“Try not to die.”

A buddy action comedy that’s never as funny or original as those we remember from the 80’s, The Pickup fails to shift into anything other than first gear, idling along while its stars try to make something out of nothing. Even then, the pairing at the film’s center feels incredibly mismatched, with dueling energies that just don’t gel together, and all of the extraneous plot threads only serve to make the 90 minute endeavor move at a snail’s pace. It’s not horrible; merely somehow both undeveloped and bogged down at the same time.

Russell Pierce (Eddie Murphy) has been driving armored cars longer than most of the other employees have been alive. This is supposed to be his last delivery before retiring to open a bed and breakfast with his wife Natalie (Eva Longoria), and he’s not too pleased to be seated next to Travis Stolly (Pete Davidson), a trigger happy rookie on duty for the first time. They’re ambushed by three criminals, cars are flipped, contraband is found. The leader of the bandits is Zoe (Keke Palmer), whose motives aren’t initially clear but who Travis recognizes from somewhere…oh yeah, they slept together the night before and his drunken stupor divulged his upcoming route’s details. Classic rookie mistake.

Turns out Zoe doesn’t want the stolen goods; she wants to play Robin Hood and right wrongs from the past, giving out cash to folks who actually deserve it. To do that she’ll need Russell, Travis, and an armored vehicle to steal from a casino. The story is as ridiculous as it sounds on paper, and even though most of it makes no sense, I at least have to give the writers a little credit. Whenever something puzzling happens they give us a reason why to explain things. Now that doesn’t absolve the absurdity of the script, but it at least shows a little thought and a few rewrites likely went into this.

I’m not exaggerating when I say The Pickup might have the longest, most generic chase sequence I have ever seen on film. This isn’t to take away from Mad Max: Fury Road, a perfect film that is essentially one massive, relentless chase. It starts in the city, goes on backroads, and what’s accidentally hilarious about the whole sequence is how dreadfully plain it is. The armored car makes a sharp turn, the another car does. Again and again and again. At one point I even looked at my partner, my hands on my head saying, “how is this still happening?!” A few cars get blown up and thrown for good, but like the rest of The Pickup, there aren’t enough fireworks to save this one from being a dud. Straight to streaming for a reason.

“That’s what I call a pivot.”

Rating: 2 out of 5