“I’ll be there. I promise.”

I appreciate how simple Jingle All the Way is, even though it plays out so much worse now that I watch it as an adult. Howard Langston (Arnold Schwarzenegger) works himself to the bone, missing important events like his son Jamie (Jake Lloyd) getting his long awaited purple belt. His wife Liz (Rita Wilson) isn’t surprised and she’s about had it. Her last straw is whether or not Howard bought a Turbo Man doll, the one thing Jamie wants for Christmas and the hottest gift of the holiday season that Liz reminded him of weeks ago. He lies through his teeth and chaos ensues. Like I said…simple.

Howard says that he has to run off for work but promises he’ll make it back in time for the big parade later. After all, there’s going to be a big Turbo Man float Jamie’s been dying to see. Not until a rewatch did I remember how much of this movie involves Schwarzenegger hamming it up while running around on Christmas Eve like a chicken with his head cut off, clueless and desperately looking for the last Turbo Man doll in sight. He bumps into the disgruntled postman Myron (Sinbad) hot on the same pursuit, and the two become confidants who are also willing to push the other into traffic if that puts them one step closer to getting the oversized action figure. It all could’ve been so much easier if the kids could’ve settled for the hapless sidekick Booster.

A lot of the humor is physical (both a reindeer and a dwarf get punched square in the face) and most of the acting is cringeworthy, especially from Arnold and the young boy. But there is a bright spot to be found, and that’s the overbearing and relentlessly scummy neighbor Ted (a hilarious Phil Hartman). Ted is the kind of guy who hangs lights on your house because you’ve been too busy. He bakes, makes hot cocoa, records his son at karate class. Ted likes to play superman and seriously enjoys making sure other people see it, especially the moms in the neighborhood. Howard can’t stand him or the way Ted pines after his wife and we understand why.

Jingle All the Way has an unexpectedly action packed final third, finding Howard in the actual Turbo Man suit, now finally embracing the character and using it as a means of connecting with his son (and getting Liz a little too excited). He finally saves the day and shows up for his family, helping everyone to realize that being present is the actual present during the holiday season. It’s a worthwhile message in a movie that’s too messy to remember most of it but just the right level of ridiculous to say years after watching, “Oh yeah, that movie…it’s okay.”

“It’s Turbo Time.”

Rating: 2.5 out of 5