“Nobody reads the fine print.”

Based on a real life tradition in El Segundo, California where the Christmas decorations are an actual competition, Candy Cane Lane attempts to borrow that reality for its own doing. To mummify it in lights, to lay the fantasy on thick and often, and to add grave stakes that are never really anchored into the ground and altogether too easily pulled in the end. It’s not a horrible film, but it’s definitely about 20 minutes too long, and there aren’t many things worse around the holidays than a sweet guest who grows sour by overstaying their welcome. Candy Cane Lane is all spectacle and empty calories.

Our introduction to the Carver family feels overbearing and cloying in the opening of the film, and recalling it nearly has me boiling with how ham-handed it is with their names, even for a streaming Christmas movie. The patriarch is Chris (Eddie Murphy), an obsessive who believes in making his own decorations. He’s married to Carol (Tracee Ellis Ross), who seems to be on the brink of a promotion with a pay increase. They have three kids: Joy (Genneya Walton) wants to run collegiate track but also move away, Nick (Thaddeus J. Mixson) pursues music instead of schoolwork, and the youngest Holly (Madison Thomas) happily tags along with her father to a winter wonderland store where things aren’t quite what they appear. There they meet Pepper (Jillian Bell), and she’s as convincing as she is conniving.

Chris gets laid off just before the holiday…because the movie is poorly written and so of course that happens. And with a new $100K reward for the winner of Candy Cane Lane, he decides to buy a 12 days of Christmas decoration from the shady Pepper, hastily signing the miles long receipt. The crowd is wowed by the display and it’s a small victory, but hijinks ensue the following morning, and Chris learns that this holiday season will have just as many tricks as it does treats. If the family doesn’t band together and collect golden rings to Pepper’s liking, Chris might just forever become another miniature figurine added to her display. After writing all of this, I can’t believe I didn’t loathe this film, because it’s pretty awfully scrawled on cheap wrapping paper. Goes to show that a little heart can go a long way.

There’s some surprising adult humor layered throughout this PG picture, keeping the thing from feeling like another ageless Disney feature written to please the masses, and the CGI of the characters relegated to small figurines is actually something to behold, or maybe it’s just because the rest of the movie looks so over-saturated and dreadful that the minis really tower against the rest. I’d argue it’s the former as I was wowed every time they popped up on-screen. The same can’t be said for the rest of this movie, or it’s phony hero redemption arc, or it’s excessive festivities. Candy Cane Lane is firmly on the “mehhh” list.

“Crap beats quality every time.”

Rating: 2.5 out of 5